I received the below question from someone who had discovered this blog:
"I was wondering what you meant by 'We've known all along what we needed to do.' I think I know but wanted to hear it from you."
Below is my answer:
I meant that we’ve known (deep down, in our gut) that the person we’re in a relationship with is damaged in some way, a damage that causes them to hurt us. It’s that simple. We may not know the ‘why’ of the damage, but they’re still treating us unfairly, possibly cruelly. . . and it hurts.
Our brain always tells us to run when we’re hurt (might get hit by a car, fall over a cliff, burned by a fire), but our heart wants to keep the person we fell in love with, the person who changed after the infatuation period slowed down.
Melody Beattie says in one of her books that “Denial is a warm blanket we wrap around ourselves until we have the courage to drop it.” In your case, the courage to see your partner as he/she truly is – which then points the finger back at you as to what you will do with this knowledge.
Have you read my Boomerang Love book? Sounds like you’re in the grieving stage of ‘accepting’ that your partner is who they are, not who you thought they were. My book will take you thru your grieving, to the end, if you care to take that journey. One reader emailed me, “I read your book. I cried. I sobbed. I packed my bag. I left”
That being said, some Borderlines want to stop hurting people and so seek therapy. But they’re few and far between (because if you didn’t do what ‘you’ do, they wouldn’t feel the way 'they' feel, so it’s your fault). But the Borderlines who do go for therapy frequently go because their partners learn of their disorder and say they’re leaving. A friend of mine says, “We move at the speed of pain.”
Hope this helps.