WHY DON'T WE LEAVE ABUSERS?

BARRIERS TO LEAVING AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP, Courtesy of Domestic Violence Solutions, County of Santa Barbara, California:

Contrary to popular belief, people do not always stay in an abusive relationship because they lack self-esteem (although self-esteem is typically one of the first casualties of abuse).  Here are some of the other significant reasons:

* Love ("My partner has many good qualities and I really do love him/her.")

* Loyalty ("If he/she had cancer, I'd stay.")

* Economic dependence ("How will I support myself and the children?")

* Religious beliefs ("Marriage is a sacred vow.  Turn the other cheek.")

* Family pressure ("Keep the family together.")

* Responsibility/guilt ("If I were a better partner, he/she wouldn't treat me this way.")

* Denial/Minimizing ("It's really not so bad.")

* Optimism ("Things will get better.  My partner is just going through a difficult time right now.")

* Gender conditioning ("This is the way men/women are.")

* Fear ("I don't know how I'd cope with home, work, and the children by myself.")

* Security ("I always thought I'd marry and live happily ever after.")

* Shame ("I don't want anyone to know.")

* Survival ("He/she will never let me leave.  He/she will kill me first.")

Comments

[Lynn Melville]

O-o-h, Eve. I remember so well the deep, intense grieving, the yearning for the good part of the relationship with my Borderline partner.

But the problem was -- he didn't stay "good" !! He hurt me, more than I ever deserved, just to vent his own internal feelings on me.

Have you read my 'Boomerang Love' book? It would really help you get a grip on the yearning, because it seems to help people remember how badly they were hurt -- the actual reasons why they left in the first place.

The problem with falling in love with a Borderline is that they don't stay the person we originally fell in love with.

After the infatuation period is over, we're supposed to settle into a deeper, trusting, snuggling relationship.

Borderlines can't trust.

Without the infatuation period to soften their internal insecurities, those insecurities come raging out at us -- leaving us confused and hurt.

However, we're able to really love and trust, so we keep remembering the person we fell in love with, waiting for that person to come back again.

And they do -- for short periods of time, lulling us into excuses that perhaps they just had a bad day, etc.

But those "bad days" become more frequent, and the person we fell in love with comes back less frequently -- so we flee.

But when away, we remember how much we loved that person we originally fell in love with -- and we want them back.

The truth is, the person we fell in love with is the person the Borderline 'wishes' they could be. They weren't trying to trick us. They were happy during that time also.

The reality is that Borderlines just can't maintain. They eventually begin acting out their internal pain on us.

As you'll see in my book, unless they accept that they are what's causing the problems, they'll eventually take us down with them -- unless we find the strength to protect ourselves.

Keep posting here. We care.

Lynn Melville
Author, Boomerang Love

[eve]

i left my boyfriend few months ago thinking it would end my misery but i am in more pain of missing him now and 'us' than i was before. i dont know what to do to make this terrible pain of walking away from someone you love-to disappear? will it ever end?i really cant take it anymore.i am so exhausted with my feelings and analyzing everything.and i am on the verge of coming back.it is so painful...and crazy..how can i end this viscious CIRCLE am in?

[Lynn Melville]

O-o-h, Brenda. How sad that you've endured so many years of treatment you didn't deserve.

But hurray that you're done with it!!!!!

Be sure to go to my web site -- www.boomeranglove.com -- and get the tips booklet I published called '100 Ways to Leave an Abuser (Safely)'. If you can't afford it, email me again with your address and I'll send you one no charge.

You need to plan carefully. Make copies of all important papers -- retirement funds, deeds to a house, medical information (insurance, prescriptions), wills, credit cards, etc.

Once you leave, you may not get a chance to get back in your house, so begin slowly packing up and removing from the house things you want (books, china, pictures, etc.).

Also, be sure to check with an attorney in your area to see what the consequences would be if you leave your house first. In some states, that isn't a good financial move.

My tips booklet talks about all of the above and more.

You might also consider taking out some credit cards in your name only -- so you have them to use when you're out. Start with one, maybe a gas credit card. Use it and pay it back for a few months.

Then you can use that credit record to apply for perhaps a Sears credit account. You can get almost anything at Sears. I don't know if Walmart has credit cards, but you could check there also.

And as you said about your kids, "they don't have to live" with your husband. My experience is that the adult childen just don't want to go through the embarrassment of their parents divorcing.

And you might also consider going to the support groups of CoDependents Anonymous. You'll find many people there with stories like yours -- some still enduring the story and others who've gotten out. You can search the Internet to find their side and look for a meeting near you.

Put your self first this time and get out before this man's abuse of you makes you sick, which you know it can. Your kids are grown now and you've done your job with them.

It's time to take care of Brenda. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. It's the only way out.

Keep posting here. We care.

Lynn Melville
Author, Boomerang Love

[Brenda]

I have been with an abusive Husband for 35 years and I can't take the abuse anymore.He only hit one of our kids,(bad enough) but his suicide threats kept me here. I only stayed for the kids. It makes no sense and I have ALOT of guilt about the past. I asked my husband to finally admit he physically abused me and my oldest child and say he is sorry so we can move on and forward. He will not do this,he just denied it ever happened.He said "I really never hit you"(he shoved and choked, and threw things at me) If he can't admit it and appologize I can't move on with him. He stopped physically abusing 15 years ago, but still says bad things about me behind my back to my grown kids,(lies) and co-workers, and the calls me bitch when he goes in the other room. I can hear him in the other room whispering I'm a bitch-- just because I have a difference of opinion on what to cook for supper,or my opinion on anything else for that matter. It makes him mad,quiet, and irritated when I want to do something besides what he wants to do.It finally made me fight back. I let him control me so many years, and everything had to be only HIS way or he would pout and get angry. I'm a wonderful human being and I am sick of him and don't love him anymore.I am ready to move on even it he says bad things to get my older children to hate me. I have always been there for them, and I think they know better, but I'm ready for their yelling at me. It's me who has to grow old with him, and I don't want to grow old with someone who plans everything we do,and makes me look bad to everyone. What do you think? Am I overreacting, or should I just keep sucking this up. My family says I should suck it up,but I don't give a damn what their religion and thoughts are anymore. God didnt mean for women to be treated like this.