Lynn Melville

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February 20, 2006

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We seem to be an age where speed medicine is at the fore front with dcotors quickly jumping to a diagnosis then prescribing the cure that comes in a prescription bottle.

Most people believe that mental disorders are very obvious and it is just a matter of matching the symptoms up to the mental health bible the DSM. Unfortunately it is not this way.

What I did is not that uncommon for I listed down every single symptom that I was dealing with and for me the answer became rather obvious.

The key to the right diagnosis is telling the doctor absolutely everything, which is never an easy task. If my doctor had asked the right questions or pushed in certain areas my Borderline Personality Disorder diagnosis would have came out much sooner then it did.

Mind you, if I knew then what I knew now about Borderline Personality Disorder and the stigma attached to it, I would have gone to great lengths to keep that diagnosis off of my medical file.

Take care.

I have been trying to work out for about 10 years what was wrong with me. My husband travels a lot with work and has affairs all over the world.

We have even spent hundreds of dollars on counseling that he managed to lie all the way through.

I actually thought it had got a lot better in the last couple of years ... but just kidding myself, better 'cause i wasn't bruised, but nothing actually changed

Have just discovered his latest affair this weekend (which I suspected & asked him about & of course he denied). To top it all off he wasn't able to hook up with her like planned this week, so he's called up another girl (who he said he stop contacting years ago, also to the counselor) and is with her now instead.

I have been so sad, so hurt and so angry so many times and I know deep down that I have done nothing but the best I could in my marriage.

I have actually found this funny today cause it's so pathetic. I even drafted an email to the new girlfriend with the flight details of the old girlfriend (from a generic email account) ... it is very tempting to push the send button.

Hello, Marcie --

Welcome to this blog. I'm glad you found it.

Yes, the aftermath of someone with Borderline Personality Disorder up and leaving us in a heartbeat can leave us feeling like we've had the life sucked out of us.

Have you considered attending a Co-Dependents Anonymous meeting? That group was one of the best gifts I've ever given myself Those loving people held me together as I healed.

You can search online for a meeting near you. There'll be a person's name posted (first name only as it's truly anonymous), with a phone number. Give them a call to make sure the meeting info is still the same -- and you'll have someone there to greet you when you go.

Keep putting one foot in front of the other and be sure to reach out to friends and family for support.

Lynn Melville
Author, Boomerang Love

I just left an BPD and feel like I have PSTD! I'm beyond shocked at the stupidity of my 6 months of insanity. I want to curl up in a little ball and disappear right now.

He has had multiple affairs and consistent internet relationships. The final straw was him selling his home and moving to florida and informing me the day of his moving.

We lived together, I gave and gave and we always focused on his needs - never mine. He was a master at manipulating me and others and even the local police. I'm so exausted but also so hurt.

The last thing he told me after moving to flordia is that he now realized how inadequate I was in bed while he lied about not sleeping with others.

Need some coping skills to get through the next few months as I feel like I'm going insane now. HELP!

Hello, Rhonda --

Your post is so full of pain over your relationship with someone suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder -- yet it contains so much strength and hope.

It's wonderful that there's good information available now about this disorder. You got out after "only" 11 months. Many of the people I coach have spent 10 and 20 years with Borderlines, not knowing until the last few years what I call the "name of their pain".

Some day knowledge about this disorder will be even more available and perhaps some of these suffering people can get help for themselves. In the meantime, rescuing the partners like yourself is most important.

Thanks for posting your story. I'm sure it will help many others.

Lynn Melvile
Author, Boomrang Love

My birthday was 3 days ago. When I blew out my candles the wish that I made was...Please let me end this sooner rather than later. Tears ran down my face as I thought about the fact that I could have wished for anything I wanted and that I wished for what I did. My BPD partner asked why I was crying and I responded that it was because I was soo happy. How incredibly sad...but yet, in that moment, I knew I had to end it. That if I ever wanted my life to get any better,I had to end it, once and for all. I am 3 days out of my relationship with my BPD. We have broken up probably 30 times in our 11 month relationship. This time, for the first time, I know, is final. I finally get it.

I would like to say that I feel there is one very important missing ingredient from the list of criteria for BPD: They make you feel like YOU'RE crazy. This was so much so the case for me, that as I've been reading books about BPD including Boomerang Love, I felt like it was describing me more than my BPD partner! I remember sitting in my therapists office, crying at the confirmation as a self diagnosed BPD. With the tenderest of tone, my therapist assured me over and over that I do not have BPD. I trust her. As I sit here with my Boomerang Love book next to me and post on a BPD support site, I feel quite confident that I'm not.

I also want to extend to everyone out there my deepest compassion. It's a tough tough road and I hope that you can find the strength to get out. Know that when you finally do get out, the right way...because you understand the disorder, because you realize that your life will never get any better while in the relationship and because you want a better life for yourself...once you really own your reality, getting out is easier emotionally than you might think. You will love yourself for your decision.

I have been out for 3 days and today, every song on the radio was the best song I've ever heard.

Signed,
Back In Business

O-o-h, Eve. I remember so well the deep, intense grieving, the yearning for the good part of the relationship with my Borderline partner.

But the problem was -- he didn't stay "good" !! He hurt me, more than I ever deserved, just to vent his own internal feelings on me.

Have you read my 'Boomerang Love' book? It would really help you get a grip on the yearning, because it seems to help people remember how badly they were hurt -- the actual reasons why they left in the first place.

The problem with falling in love with a Borderline is that they don't stay the person we originally fell in love with.

After the infatuation period is over, we're supposed to settle into a deeper, trusting, snuggling relationship.

Borderlines can't trust.

Without the infatuation period to soften their internal insecurities, those insecurities come raging out at us -- leaving us confused and hurt.

However, we're able to really love and trust, so we keep remembering the person we fell in love with, waiting for that person to come back again.

And they do -- for short periods of time, lulling us into excuses that perhaps they just had a bad day, etc.

But those "bad days" become more frequent, and the person we fell in love with comes back less frequently -- so we flee.

But when away, we remember how much we loved that person we originally fell in love with -- and we want them back.

The truth is, the person we fell in love with is the person the Borderline 'wishes' they could be. They weren't trying to trick us. They were happy during that time also.

The reality is that Borderlines just can't maintain. They eventually begin acting out their internal pain on us.

As you'll see in my book, unless they accept that they are what's causing the problems, they'll eventually take us down with them -- unless we find the strength to protect ourselves.

Keep posting here. We care.

Lynn Melville
Author, Boomerang Love

i left my boyfriend few months ago thinking it would end my misery but i am in more pain of missing him now and 'us' than i was before. i dont know what to do to make this terrible pain of walking away from someone you love-to disappear? will it ever end?i really cant take it anymore.i am so exhausted with my feelings and analyzing everything.and i am on the verge of coming back.it is so painful...and crazy..how can i end this viscious CIRCLE am in?

O-o-h, Brenda. How sad that you've endured so many years of treatment you didn't deserve.

But hurray that you're done with it!!!!!

Be sure to go to my web site -- www.boomeranglove.com -- and get the tips booklet I published called '100 Ways to Leave an Abuser (Safely)'. If you can't afford it, email me again with your address and I'll send you one no charge.

You need to plan carefully. Make copies of all important papers -- retirement funds, deeds to a house, medical information (insurance, prescriptions), wills, credit cards, etc.

Once you leave, you may not get a chance to get back in your house, so begin slowly packing up and removing from the house things you want (books, china, pictures, etc.).

Also, be sure to check with an attorney in your area to see what the consequences would be if you leave your house first. In some states, that isn't a good financial move.

My tips booklet talks about all of the above and more.

You might also consider taking out some credit cards in your name only -- so you have them to use when you're out. Start with one, maybe a gas credit card. Use it and pay it back for a few months.

Then you can use that credit record to apply for perhaps a Sears credit account. You can get almost anything at Sears. I don't know if Walmart has credit cards, but you could check there also.

And as you said about your kids, "they don't have to live" with your husband. My experience is that the adult childen just don't want to go through the embarrassment of their parents divorcing.

And you might also consider going to the support groups of CoDependents Anonymous. You'll find many people there with stories like yours -- some still enduring the story and others who've gotten out. You can search the Internet to find their side and look for a meeting near you.

Put your self first this time and get out before this man's abuse of you makes you sick, which you know it can. Your kids are grown now and you've done your job with them.

It's time to take care of Brenda. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. It's the only way out.

Keep posting here. We care.

Lynn Melville
Author, Boomerang Love

I have been with an abusive Husband for 35 years and I can't take the abuse anymore.He only hit one of our kids,(bad enough) but his suicide threats kept me here. I only stayed for the kids. It makes no sense and I have ALOT of guilt about the past. I asked my husband to finally admit he physically abused me and my oldest child and say he is sorry so we can move on and forward. He will not do this,he just denied it ever happened.He said "I really never hit you"(he shoved and choked, and threw things at me) If he can't admit it and appologize I can't move on with him. He stopped physically abusing 15 years ago, but still says bad things about me behind my back to my grown kids,(lies) and co-workers, and the calls me bitch when he goes in the other room. I can hear him in the other room whispering I'm a bitch-- just because I have a difference of opinion on what to cook for supper,or my opinion on anything else for that matter. It makes him mad,quiet, and irritated when I want to do something besides what he wants to do.It finally made me fight back. I let him control me so many years, and everything had to be only HIS way or he would pout and get angry. I'm a wonderful human being and I am sick of him and don't love him anymore.I am ready to move on even it he says bad things to get my older children to hate me. I have always been there for them, and I think they know better, but I'm ready for their yelling at me. It's me who has to grow old with him, and I don't want to grow old with someone who plans everything we do,and makes me look bad to everyone. What do you think? Am I overreacting, or should I just keep sucking this up. My family says I should suck it up,but I don't give a damn what their religion and thoughts are anymore. God didnt mean for women to be treated like this.

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