Stop the Abuse

WACKO STUFF: Contract of Wifely Expectations

Talk about icky stuff.  The March 30, 2006, Sioux City Journal reports that Travis Frey, 33, of Council Bluffs, is charged with first-degree kidnapping and domestic abuse assault causing injury.  He's accused of tying up his wife and sexually assaulting her in April 2005.

Frey's wife read from a document called the "Contract of Wifely Expectations".   

The contract contains rules for how she should dress and behave and requires that she be his "sex slave" and do "anything and everything" he wanted.  Unless she exhibited "good behavior" and was "totally compliant," the contract threatened "you will be tied to the bed and I will do whatever I wish to you."

Where's Lorena Bobbitt when we need her?

Funny quote in the article:  "Prosecutors said the case against Frey is one of rape and domestic abuse and has nothing to do with breach of contract."  No kidding . . . .

                             * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

ONE DAY LATER:  The March 31st edition of  Fox News reports that Travis Frey was convicted of sex abuse and domestic assault.  He faces up to 11 years in prison.

If you're curious -- and have a strong stomach -- check out the actual 'Contract of Wifely Expectations' at the Fox News web site.  Click on 'Contract of Wifely Expectations' and then 'Sicko Marriage Contract -- One for the Ages'.

GETTING OUT SAFELY: Leaving an Abuser

In 2004, the National Center for Victims of Crime -- www.ncvc.org -- published an excellent brochure with suggestions on how to plan and execute leaving an abuser with as much safety as possible for the victim and/or children.  Click on the above web site for the center.  On the home page, click on 'Get Help Bulletins'.  This will take you to a page with many resources.  Scroll down to 'Safety Plans', under which you can click on 'Domestic Violence'.

I thought this information was so excellent that I included it, with the NCVC's permission, as a chapter in my Boomerang Love book (www.boomeranglove.com) 

This information is excellent -- safe areas of the house for escape, practice how to get out safely (with children, if needed), always back your car into your driveway (and keep it fueled), keep the driver's door of your car unlocked (and others locked!), hide an extra set of car keys, pack an extra set of clothes for yourself and your children and store them at the home of a trusted friend or relative, don't wear scarves or jewelry that can be used to strangle you . . . .

There's so much more here on what to take with you, what to do on the actual day you leave, protective steps to take after a restraining order, etc.  Best down-to-earth guidance I've ever read on taking care of ourselves. 

SUPPORT: Land of Oz -- Online Support Group

It was the morning of January 1st -- the very special year of 2000 -- when I sat down at my computer and searched for the term 'borderline personality disorder'.  A friend with a mental health degree had mentioned to me that my former partner was probably a borderline.

What a day that was.  Eight hours later, piles of tissues around my feet, still in my sweats, I knew the 'name of my pain' -- BPD.  All of the confusion and craziness -- interractions I couldn't understand or explain -- were clear. 

I had been trying to interact with a disorder that I had no clue was there.

Somewhere in my Internet searching, I found the online support group for partners and family members of BPDs called the Land of Oz.  If you'd like to read the posts -- and possibly post yourself -- you can subscribe by sending a blank email to LandofOz-subscribe@yahoogroups.com. 

The Land of Oz is so named because when we're in a relationship with a BPD, crazy things happen (like monkeys flying out of trees), and we're left devastated.  We stuff our straw back into our shirt (like the Straw Man), try to walk down the yellow brick road (heading for happiness, we think), only to be attacked by the flying monkeys again.

And, of course, there's the allusion to the Wicked Witch of the West (trying to do us in) and the Wizard of Oz (hiding behind a screen, pretending to be other than he really is) -- an allusion to our BPDs. 

And then there's Dorothy, who was told that she had the power all along to change her life and make it happy and fulfilling again (get back to Kansas).  All she had to do was click her heels together (take the steps necessary to make it happen).

The goal of the LOO posters is to 'get back to Kansas' (a normal life again).  The site is moderated by Elyce Benham, a mental health professional with 19 years of experience working with BPDs.  We call her the Good Witch Glenda.

It's now 2006, and I still read the posts daily, frequently going online to offer hope and support to those still in the trenches.  Many posters have partners with alcohol and drug problems, are fearful of the domestic violence they're living in, and are struggling with post traumatic stress disorder as the result of living with their BPD partners. 

And a large percentage of the posters on LOO are men -- testimony to the reality that men are abused partners, also.

I can't recommend this site enough for those still in painful BPD relationships.

(NOTE:  Also recommended is the online support group through Yahoo called Welcome to Oz.  Subscribe at WelcometoOz-subscribe@yahoo.com.)   

LOW FIVES: California DV Justice System Failing

The July 27, 2005, issue of the Santa Maria Times stated that, "California's justice system performs abysmally when it comes to handling domestic violence cases, even allowing abusers to own firearms, which is prohibited by law, according to a state report issued July 26, 2005.

The report, "Local Criminal Justice Response to Domestic Violence," showed the following findings:

          *  Restraining orders are not enforced or served because there is no protocol for doing so

          *  Mandatory education programs for offenders are not carried out

          *  Counties are failing to add the names of domestic violence abusers prohibited from possessing firearms to  weapons database.

In some counties, the report stated that as many as 50 percent of all domestic violence restraining orders issued are not served on the abuser, in effect invalidating the order.

In Mono County, more than 52 percent of all domestic violence convictions did not find their way into the weapons database.  Lake County was 33 percent.  In the larger counties, San Francisco was 16.6 percent, Kern 16.1 percent, and Santa Barbara 14.3 percent.

To the state's credit -- since part of the problem is court system employees untrained in the law -- August, 2005, was to have seen thousands of workers receiving Internet training about restraining orders and the state weapons database.