Stop the Abuse

SIGNS YOUR ABUSER MAY KILL YOU

Television station W T R F (covering the areas of Wheeling, West Virginia, and Steubenville, Ohio), reported on May 23, 2006,  that there are definite signs that an abuser -- whether past behavior has been just emotional abuse or actual physical abuse -- has moved to the stage where the abusive relationship may become lethal (Webster's dictionary:  "causing death").

Quoted from the West Virginia Coalition Against Domestic Violence:

The common signs of a batterer are: overly jealous, tries to isolate their victim, uses verbal put downs and controls the money.

More importantly, signs which indicate that one day the abuse may turn into homicide are:

          Your abuser attempting to strangle you  (They might be successful next time.)

          Waiving or threatening with weapons  (The next step is to actually use the weapon.)

          Talking about killing you or about killing themselves (They may really do it.)

          Showing signs of depression (Many people, men especially, act out their feelings.  Hopelessness can push a person over the edge to do something they wouldn't normally do.)

          Ownership of you, along with anxiety or violence about separating from you.  (The old "If I can't have you, no one can have you.")

As has been mentioned on this blog before, the first two weeks after the separation from an abuser is the most dangerous time for the victim and her/his children. 

If you're scared and in trouble with an abuser, call the National Domestic Violence hotline -- 1 - 800 - 799 - S A F E (7233).  Quoted on their web site today (www.ndvh.org) is the statistic that 10 Murder-Suicides Occur Each Week in America.

Be careful, friends.  Statistics show that 25 per cent of the domestic violence murders of women are witnessed by their children.

HIGH FIVES: Police Donate Computers to Aid DV Victims

The April 19, 2006, issue of the Richmond Times-Dispatch in Richmond, Virginia, reports that the Police Department has donated three new Dell computers to the YMCA for use in its safe houses for victims of domestic abuse.  The purpose is to allow abuse victims to have direct online access to the I Can system of the Virginia courts web site.  This system explains court procedures and helps victims file for protective orders.

The computer donation program was organized by Police Chief Rodney Monroe, whose sister was killed in a domestic abuse crime in Maryland in 2002.

The article also reports that the Richmond police commemorated Victims Rights Awareness Week in 2005 by donating more than 1,200 used cell phones to be recycled by Verizon for emergency use by domestic abuse victims. 

The cell phone donation program was organized by detective Carol Adams, whose mother was killed in a domestic abuse crime in 1980.

More great ideas to help domestic abuse victims take control of their lives.

HOW TO GET A DIVORCE WHEN YOU'RE BROKE

One of the biggest hurdles for people freeing themselves from abusive relationships is lack of money -- cash for first and last month's apartment deposit, our car . . . sometimes our very food.

What happens, then, when we have no money to get the divorce which will 'legally' set us free?

Jody Williams (exploreadvertising@yahoo.com) recently posted her story to the Land of Oz online support group for partners of borderlines.  (See previous post -- SUPPORT: Land of Oz Online Support Group)

I was so impressed -- and stunned -- by her story of guts, courage and cleverness in getting her divorces with no money that I asked for her permission to share it with you here on my blog.

Below is her post, which I've named 'How to Get a Divorce When You're Broke'.  In Jody's reply to me, giving me permission to post her advice here, she added the following: 

          "There were other sources that I didn't add in my original post.  Most bookstores do have 'file your own divorce' handbooks.  Also, most law libraries have little booklets you can buy on how to do your own divorce with the papers also.

          "It's very liberating to know that if you can prove you're broke, you're not stuck because you can't come up with the filing fees.  I've heard many people feeling trapped when they can't come up with the filing fees for these things because they don't know you can get it done for free. 

          "I've also found that even when I do everything wrong -- that the judge's clerk will usually chuck the papers back at me and tell me what I need to fix and then refile.  I didn't mind.  I just kept going back to court until the judge told me it was right."

          Jody's message to everyone struggling to get a divorce:  You can do it !!

HOW TO GET A DIVORCE WHEN YOU'RE BROKE

                       by Jody Williams

My ex got me fired from my job, evicted from my apartment, and stole my car when I threw him out.  Affording a lawyer was out of the question for me.  If I hadn't been a paralegal, I NEVER would have been able to get myself through the legal maze I had to go through.

I found out that even most lawyers don't know or don't take the time to enforce garnishment of wages, tax returns, and paychecks and bank accounts for judgments, even though it's usually a simple matter of filling out forms.

Fees were a hard one for me.  I learned that because I had to file for welfare (to feed myself and our baby to get away from him), I could get all the fees waived.  I got the court fees for the filing of the divorce petition and the service from the marshal waived by showing them proof that I was on welfare. 

Everyone in the United States is enitled to legal help, even if they can't afford it.  Court fees and service fees of legal papers to the opposing party can be waived in any state if you can prove you're poor. 

You don't have to be on welfare.  You can show them a bank statement,  an income statement or some notarized statement that you're broke.  They have a separate form you fill out to have a judge approve the waiving of your court fees.

Lawyer's fees can't be waived -- only court fees.  Even xeroxing fees for your papers can be waived once you have the form signed by a judge. 

You don't even have to go to the hearing.  You just mail in the appropriate forms to the court, the judge stamps it, and then you can show it to get all fees waived.

As for hidden bank accounts you don't know about, you can go to places like www.freecreditreport.com and order a credit report for free (since you know his information).  Usually that site will show you any open accounts.  It may not show all of them, but a lot of them will show up.  You'd be surprised what you can find out about someone from a credit report.  They pop it up online, and you can print it out right there -- free.

If you don't know where they are working, usually even their job will show up on the credit report.  From that information, you'll know where to go to garnish wages.

If they're expecting an income tax return, you can let the IRS know that you want to garnish that for payment of a judgment order from the court.

To find hidden bank accounts not showing up on the credit report (or that they might have joint with someone else as the main acccount holder), you can call any of the banks you think this person might have an account with.  You probably know the full name, social security number and birthdate of this person.  With that information, you can call that bank and 'pretend' to be them and having lost your account number.  They ask for birthdate and social security number -- and then will give you the account number.

To get contempt of an order of the court, the lawyers usually have to file for a hearing to have that done.  Most lawyers don't like to do this -- and then there's the problem of having no money to pay their fee.  There are forms you can fill out to represent yourself and ask for this kind of hearing.

If you can't afford a lawyer, you can represent yourself.  In every state I've lived in, this means you write in your name on the forms, then the words 'in pro per'.  This means you're representing yourself.  You also write in your contact information instead of a lawyer's contact information.

VERY IMPORTANT:  YOU ARE ALLOWED TO USE A POST OFFICE BOX IF YOU DON'T WANT TO GIVE OUT YOUR HOME ADDRESS.

Every place I've lived in besides Las Vegas has forms you can fill out in pen for just about everything you need done.  They also usually have some kind of family law help center where you can get free forms and advice.  If you can't find one near you in the phone book (because they all have different names), you can call up your nearest law library and ask them where to find it.  They'll know where it is.

As for ganishing wages or bank accounts or whatever, there are forms to get a judge to order that garnishment once you have a judgment.  You have to file to get a garnishment order from the judge.  Then a marshal or sheriff (whoever it is in your state that the courts use to serve their papers) will go to the employer or bank and attach the money -- or take it and freeze it -- or whatever is appropriate.

Almost all towns have a law library.  You can ask the librarian for a book of court forms.  They have copies of all of the forms available that you can just fill out yourself.  All libraries and law libraries have books that are called Rules of Court -- for your local courthouse.  Those will tell you what papers are needed, how to file them, where and what the fees are, etc.

You can also look up a lot about statutes and laws in your town online.  Some courthouses even have forms you can just download online.  Not all courts, and not all the forms, are available online though.  So visiting a law library or even the main or local library (if your town is too small), can help you.  All libraries either have court or legal books -- or they can refer you to the library that does.

I have sued people, defended myself, collected judgments, done two divorces and gotten child support orders.  All kinds of stuff I've done myself for free -- using the Internet, the law libraries and the family law centers when I needed help.  And almost all of my suits and service fees I've gotten waived because I was broke.

You can also try Prepaid Legal.  For $35.00 for a month of service, you can get lawyers to give you advice, review papers and even give you appropriate court forms and tell you where and how to file them.  I've used them successfully on simple matters, when I've needed the intimidation of a lawyer to call or write a letter, help me with legal research or to get certain forms.  They are cheaper than a lawyer in their own private practice.

But be warned -- Prepaid Legal attorneys are usually first-year lawyers and not the sharpest tool in the shed.  Sometimes I knew more than these lawyers with their service.  But when I've needed a lawyer to call someone and be intimidating -- or help getting certain forms -- it was a $35.00 well spent.

Prepaid Legal is a month-to-month service.  If you need another month, you can get help for approximately only $16.00, because then you've already paid your registration fee.

Also, all court files are public record.  Sometimes I haven't known how to do legal papers in a certain town, can't find a lawyer who would help me, and couldn't get help from the library.  This happened when I lived in a very, very small town of like 800 people. 

So I went to the local courthouse and asked to see all of the files on a certain type of law.  They hassled me, but I reminded them that as public records, I had the right to see these files.

By reviewing the files, I was able to see how the local lawyers handled evicting bad tenants.  I had a tenant I couldn't get out of the rental house I owned in this small town.  No lawyer or judge would help me, because they were relatives of half the town.  After looking at the files, I filed the same papers myself to get them evicted.

I went through stuff I needed help on myself like when my ex came and stole my car after I'd gotten a restraining order on him.  He obviously violated the order by coming to get my car.  The police wouldn't file a stolen car report because we were still married.

I went to the judge, and he gave me a contempt order of the restraining order.  But then the police wouldn't go arrest him.  They said that they were not going to run around and chase him -- and that they couldn't force him to come to court.  They said unless I had him right there -- holding him -- and then called them -- only then would they arrest him on violation of the restraining order.

So I called him and asked him to meet me somewhere for lunch.  At the time of the lunch, I went across the street to see that he was there.  I then called the police and said I was holding him there and that I wanted them to come arrest him on the contempt charge.

I don't like orders for payments.  When I was dealing with my ex's who were Borderline, they loved me to be chasing them around each month for payments or trying to find where they hid the money. 

My father forged fake money orders and showed them to the judge when my mom filed for contempt for not paying child support.  Even my mom's own lawyer believed it -- until we found out we could go to the money order company with the numbers on the orders he had produced.  We got a letter from the company stating that they had been cashed back in by him, so we didn't get the money

Most people don't believe what our ex's can do -- let alone sometimes even the lawyers (unless they've been around a long time).  Then in those cases, we usually can't afford those lawyers, anyway.

I've learned that with the legal system, unless you can afford the best lawyers, you have to be hard-working, do a lot of research and be creative.

                    Author:  Jody Williams (exploreadvertising@yahoo.com)

POSTED MAY 16, 2006:  I was reminded by a friend recently that the Internet has empowered many people to represent themselves in ways not available in the past .

People searching for information on forms, filing fees, etc., should search/Google for the web site of their county, then click on court system. 

When I performed that search for my county,  I was amazed to see how much information is available there.  Our taxes at work. 

                    Lynn

HIGH FIVES: Boston Wants to Create a Statewide Notification System for Victims

Good news in Boston this week.  The May 12, 2006, issue of the Boston Globe reports that the state legislature's Public Safety Committee is recommending that a statewide notification system be created to notify victims when their previous abuser is released from custody.

In addition, the committee's report called for the tracking of abusers with electronic monitoring bracelets as another method to protect domestic violence victims.

The committee members said they hope to follow up the report with new legislation filed in the coming months.

HIGH FIVES: Wausau Volunteers Provide Shelter to Pets of Victims Fleeing Abuse

More good news for domestic violence victims and their pets.  The May 14, 2006, issue of the Wausau Daily Herald in Wausau, Wisconsin, features the generous partnership between the Humane Society of Marathon County and the Women's Community (an agency which provides a shelter home, 24-hour crisis line, legal advocacy, and information and support to victims of domestic abuse and sexual assault and their children).

Gina Ramsey, transitional program client advocate for the Women's Community, states, "The first year I worked here, I offered the shelter and (victims) didn't want to leave because they were afraid their animals would be abused."

Batterers abuse or kill animals for many reasons, including to punish a victim for leaving, eliminate competition for attention (remember how Borderlines are afraid of being abandoned or lose the love of their victim?) and to demonstrate power.

The program provides a temporary shelter for animals.  A grant allows the Humane Society to give the animals needed immunizations as well as food.  Volunteers who offer their homes as shelter are not responsible for the cost of caring for the pet.

Another worthwhile program that should be duplicated across the country.

HIGH FIVES: Maryland Says DV Victims Can Keep Their Addresses Private

Another powerful protection for domestic violence victims:  the May 10, 2006, issue of the Maryland Gazette reported that on May 2nd, Governor Ehrlich signed a law which provides address confidentiality for domestic violence victims. 

The victim must first go to court to obtain a restraining order from a judge against the abuser.  Once that is done, the victim signs a special waiver and release allowing his or her home address to go to the Maryland Secretary of State only.  All mail is sent to the secretary's office, then forwarded to the victim.

The senator sponsoring the bill, Alex Mooney of Frederick, Maryland, stated, "No one can get the address without a court order.  Even the police have to get a court order."

How about contacting your legislator to get this law passed in your state?  Wouldn't it be great if this law were universal across our whole country?

HIGH FIVES: Iowa, Kansas and Minnesota Propose More Victim Address Protection

More good news on protecting the address whereabouts of victims. 

The Waterloo/Cedar Falls Courier reported on March 21, 2006, that the Iowa Senate had passed a bill which would allow victims to remove their names from county real estate records and voter registration rolls.  This procedure would be open to people who are protected by a restraining order or can show other evidence that their life is in danger.

Senator Frank Wood, one of the bill's sponsors, said, "This bill would eliminate an abuser from sitting in their home and stalking his victim with his computer."  The bill was written in response to rising concerns that the Internet is making it difficult for victims of domestic violence to escape their abusers.  The bill now heads to the Iowa House.

The Kansas City Star reported on March 14, 2006, that Kansas Secretary of State Ron Thornburgh endorsed a bill that would allow domestic violence victims to protect themselves by using his office as a mail address.  State officials would then forward mail to its intended recipient.

This proposed law was to have its first hearing March 14th in the Kansas House Federal and State Affairs Committee.  The bill is also backed by the Kansas Bureau of Investigations and the Kansas Coalition Against Sexual and Domestic Violence.

And then there's Minnesota, where Minneapolis/St. Paul television station WCCO-TV reported on April 5, 2006, that St. Paul Secretary of State Mary Kiffmeyer is proposing the same type of program for address protection for victims as we've seen Maryland and the above quoted states putting into action. 

Kiffmeyer's proposal comes too late in the legislative session to move as a separate bill, but she stated that it will be attached to a larger public safety spending bill.

Kiffmeyer stated that this type of address protection program is already in effect in 18 states. 

Only 32 states to go -- is there a program like this in your state?

OUTRAGEOUS: Man Shoots Wife in Face

The May 9, 2006, issue of the Cincinnati Enquirer reports that Gary Rogers in Hamilton first knocked his wife, Paula, to the floor during an argument and then shot her in the face with a .380-caliber pistol.  Paula was flown to University Hospital for treatment  -- police said they do not believe her injuries are life-threatening.

Maybe not "life-threatening", but certainly dangerous and disfiguring. 

Outrageous.

HIGH FIVES: London Contractors Make Homes Safe for Victims

It's wonderful to read of organizations going the extra mile to help abuse victims and their families feel safe. 

The March 16, 2006, issue of the Wanstead and Woodford Guardian newspaper for East London and West Essex reported that victims of domestic violence are getting help to make their homes safe from intruders.  Funded by Waltham Forest Council through the Sanctuary Project, homes are inspected by a crime prevention officer and then building contractors complete the work necessary to make the property secure.

Thirty properties have been made secure since April, 2005.  Thirty families -- Moms and their children -- are now able to go to sleep at night feeling safe.

Another positive step in helping victims and their children continue living near their families, friends and other support networks, helping them rebuild their lives and recover from the abuse they've received.

HEATHER HORNE'S 'I Chose to Survive' Poetry

I was thrilled to read the article in the March 14, 2006, Richlands News-Press in Virginia about Heather Horne of North Tazewell and her book of poetry titled I Chose to Survive.

Heather states that the poems in her book deal with her experiences in an abusive relationship and that she hopes they'll help others deal with the problem.  She goes on to say that her poems express the pain, fear, rage and disbelief she experienced in her situation -- but they also tell of the survival and hope she ultimately experienced.

You can find it at www.amazon.com.  Enjoy.

STRANGLING: How to Prevent Your Death

I've wanted to write about this for some time, but didn't have the information I needed.  Yesterday I got it. 

I attended a domestic violence luncheon in my hometown and sat next to the keynote speaker, our local assistant district attorney.  A local case was mentioned, where the woman had been strangled to death by her husband. 

I had read somewhere (can't rememner where) that if someone attacks you from the front and is trying to strangle you, their hands are very busy.  It's of no use for us to beat them on the shoulders and head to stop them, since we will get progressively weaker as the blood supply to our brain gets cut off.

However, the good news is that our hands are free and can be used to cut off the blood supply to their brains -- and make them pass out -- by pressing our thumbs on their eyeballs.  Evidently the optical nerve is directly behind the eyeballs.  Pressing on them makes a person faint quickly (30 - 60 seconds). 

What I didn't know was how long it took to strangle a person to death.  The speaker said that it took a full five to seven minutes, as the pressure needs to be maintained -- or the automatic nervous system will take over and revive the person.

This is gruesome, I know, but it's important.  Many victims die after being strangled by their intimate partner.  It's crucial to know that we have a method we can use to protect ourselves.  What I was confused about before was whether a victim would have time to do the eyeball pressure method before blacking out.

Clearly the victim in a strangling attack has the edge -- if he/she can think quickly and begin the eyeball pressure immediately -- before becoming weakened and then unable to do it.

If I even save one life by posting this, it will have been worth it.  However, this post is too late for Christy Melcher, eight months pregnant when she was strangled by her husband, Zach, who also suffocated their ten-month-old son, Jaden (The Sentinel-News of Shelby, Kentucky, March 16, 2006).