STRANGLING: How to Prevent Your Death

I've wanted to write about this for some time, but didn't have the information I needed.  Yesterday I got it. 

I attended a domestic violence luncheon in my hometown and sat next to the keynote speaker, our local assistant district attorney.  A local case was mentioned, where the woman had been strangled to death by her husband. 

I had read somewhere (can't rememner where) that if someone attacks you from the front and is trying to strangle you, their hands are very busy.  It's of no use for us to beat them on the shoulders and head to stop them, since we will get progressively weaker as the blood supply to our brain gets cut off.

However, the good news is that our hands are free and can be used to cut off the blood supply to their brains -- and make them pass out -- by pressing our thumbs on their eyeballs.  Evidently the optical nerve is directly behind the eyeballs.  Pressing on them makes a person faint quickly (30 - 60 seconds). 

What I didn't know was how long it took to strangle a person to death.  The speaker said that it took a full five to seven minutes, as the pressure needs to be maintained -- or the automatic nervous system will take over and revive the person.

This is gruesome, I know, but it's important.  Many victims die after being strangled by their intimate partner.  It's crucial to know that we have a method we can use to protect ourselves.  What I was confused about before was whether a victim would have time to do the eyeball pressure method before blacking out.

Clearly the victim in a strangling attack has the edge -- if he/she can think quickly and begin the eyeball pressure immediately -- before becoming weakened and then unable to do it.

If I even save one life by posting this, it will have been worth it.  However, this post is too late for Christy Melcher, eight months pregnant when she was strangled by her husband, Zach, who also suffocated their ten-month-old son, Jaden (The Sentinel-News of Shelby, Kentucky, March 16, 2006).

Comments

[Lynn Melville]

Good to know that you do have Lifeline, Nadine. But you say you have it for "medical conditions".

Is Lifeline aware of your husband getting out of jail and the possibility of your being in danger? Please let them know about that.

You'll want law enforcement at your door if your husband comes to your home, not the ambulance people !!

You say that, "One of the problems is that I still have feelings for him . . . ."

This is what keeps all of us stuck. Have you read my 'Boomerang Love' book? One woman wrote me, saying "I cried. I sobbed. I packed my bag. I left."

My own journey of learning about Borderline Personality Disorder and my pain and grief over the acceptance that my partner would never seek treatment for it, seems to be very similar to the emotional journey of other partners.

Reading my book seems to re-connect people with the grief they've stuffed down, helping them bring it back up and then achieve acceptance that no matter how much they love their partner, they will continue to live in pain if they continue to be with them.

It's like chocolate. I love it, but it really puts weight on me, so I have to stay away from it. A simple comparison, but you know . . . I really love chocolate. : )

Also, you might read the 80 Borderline behaviors listed on my web site (www.boomeranglove.com) under 'Red Flags'. I'd be interested to hear how many of the 80 behaviors your husband shows.

Take care of yourself. You're the only mother your son has.

[Nadine]

Thanks for your posting and advice Lynn. It just so happens that I do have Life Line because I have medical conditions. I live alone with my twelve year old son, I do wish that I could live with another adult but that is not possible right now. My family is totally NOT supportive, they will not even speak to me because they are afraid of him. My family is part of the reason I have gotten into abusive relationships in the first place. I grew up with a lot of abuse and neglect. I may be able to have a friend stay with me for the few weeks after he gets out. I have been going to a domestic violence group in my area and that is helpful. One of the problems is that I still have feelings for him but I am terrified of him too. I am working very hard in therapy on this issue. I really think the Life Line idea is a great one whether you have medical conditions or not, it is a great safety device as well. Thanks for everything!

[Lynn Melville]

I agree with you, Nadine. How can a person be prepared to defend oneself, if in our wildest imagination we couldn't think that our intimate partner would try to strangle us?

I believe that domestic violence organizations should be training victims in the 'possibility' of this happening and self-defensive moves to make.

Good that you're prepared with pepper spray and tazer for when he gets out of prison on December 28th.

However, is your home safe? Out in public, you can see him coming, but what if he breaks into your home before you arrive?

A home security system is good, but expensive. Whether or not you have a home security system, I'd recommmend you get one of the dial-out emergency services.

Philips Lifeline is based in Framingham, MA. Their phone number is 1-800-543-3546.

This company says they provide service nationally. If it's not available in your area, try your local hospital. There are many services like this, for serniors with health needs. Why not safety needs?

There's an installation fee and a monthly fee. It's a dial-out system attached to your landline phone.

All of your emergency information is on file at the offices of this company -- the domestic violence history and the emergency phone numbers of your local law enforcement.

You carry a button either in your pocket, around your wrist or on a necklace. One push of the button brings help your way.

Also, I hope that you are living with another person. Having another person in your home can be a deterrent to keep angry people away.

You might also try finding a good support group -- one for victims at your local domestic violence organization -- or CoDependents Anonymous.

There are many people with domestic abuse stories in CoDA. You can Google them for a meeting in your area.

Stay strong, keep a support group and family around you.

And keep posting here. We care.

Lynn Melville

[Nadine]

I was strangled by my husband in February 2008. I like your advice about the eyeball pressure but in my experience, I was so taken off guard by him all I could do was stick my fingers along side my windpipe as far as I could get them in so as to not get murdered. Believe me when someone is strangling you, you are not thinking clearly. Your hands automatically go to get their hands off of your neck! Most of the time it is a very sudden act and you cannot think clearly. If it ever happens to me again by anyone I will try to remember your advice. I now have severe PTSD over this issue and it has been almost two years and I am still struggling with it. He is getting out of prison for this on Dec. 28 and I am scared. But I am prepared for his attack if he tries anything again...pepper spray and a tazer!

[Lynn Melville]

Two women -- 24 hours apart (Jennifer and Judith) -- commented on this blog that their husbands had tried to kill them by strangling.

I'm reading that with the economy is such trouble, domestic violence has increased an astounding 75 percent around our counry.

I have a friend in law enforcement who says that if a man strangles you, he'll do it again -- and he might succeed next time.

But the wonderful news is that both of you women have jobs -- economic power -- and can move on.

Judith had the courage to stand up for herself and get her abuser sent to jail. Good job, Judith.

And Jennifer, you say you have "planning to do." Indeed. Judith's husband is in jail, so she's free to move away.

But your husband isn't. Please know that your moves must be very carefully planned.

The most dangerous time for a women is the first two weeks after she either moves -- or even tells the man she's leaving.

I recommend you not say a word to your husband about leaving. Make all your plans, copy all your important paperwork, and plan to leave during a quiet time with your husband.

And make your exit when he's not around, taking everything with you that you want. He may trash anything you leave behind, so be careful.

You might check out my web site -- www.boomeranglove.com -- to order a tips booklet I published last year -- "100 Ways to Leave an Abuser (Safely)".

You might also speak with your local domestic violence counselor. They are very experienced in coaching people in how to get away safely.

Good luck to you, keep putting one foot in front of the other, and keep us posted.

Lynn

[Jennifer]

I've been married 10 years and always knew my husband had a temper, but until last January he'd never touched me.

I have to tell you, when I was in THAT moment looking into the eyes of rage with his words of hate blasting into my face, and feeling his construction workers hands crush my throat and both his thumbs pressed into the hollow of my throat. All the while being bent over backwards at an angle that put me off balance. My mind went blank. I didn't think, let alone slap, scratch, or kick and I couldn't yell. I was like a rag doll and felt like one when he threw me down on the tile floor of our bathroom.

Unfortunatly he did it again three days ago on Friday night. I was grabbed by the neck twice and thrown into the kitchen counter and butcher block. Again, like the first time I was kept off balance and didn't fight back. I told him I was going to call the cops and that's when he stepped away and left me alone. I didn't call them and I didn't call them back in January either.

I will remember the eyeball thing if it happens again, but that may be the last thing I try if I don't do it right.

He is claiming not to remember anything and pretending like everything is fine again. He went and got me icecream on Sat. and then said, "See, I'm not such a bad guy."

I stayed the first time, because in January I had no job. I just got a job last month, so I guess I have some planning to do.

[Judith Crawford]

Kelly, I separated and finally found the courage to stick to putting my husband of 6 yrs in jail just yesterday. He has tried to strangle me more than once and is always sorry, i was looking for the fastest way to file for divorce online today when i found your post, I have a great support system I just have always had a hard time following through because of fear,I am sure I cannot live this way any longer I am scared of if and when he gets out. I am thinking of moving where he cant find me, I work for the USPS and I am looking into if I can be transfered to another office so he doesnt come there either , anyway thank you for sharing your story it encouraged me. I am a christian and I believe this last episode was only that God had His angels around me because when I called out the name of Jesus is when my husband backed off I know I can make it on my own. I am strong and I have a reason to live and enjoy life. JUDITH

[Lynn Melville]

Hello, Sandra --

Words can't express what I feel when I read or hear the words from a mother's lips that her very own sweet daughter (or son) has been murdered by their intimate partner.

Current statistics say that three women are murdered every day in this country by their intimate partner. It's dreadful and horrifying.

I have a friend whose daughter was also killed by the man she was divorcing. He broke into her home and attacked her when she arrived, literally slicing her throat and leaving her to die on her floor.

I've held my friend's hand and hugged her as she sobbed. I can't imagine the agony of the family left behind.

Indeed, my prayers are with you and your family, as I'm sure are the prayers from everyone else who reads your post.

I'm going to be moving more into self-protection mode for domestic violence victims this year. It's time to fight back.

[Sandra L. Richardson]

My daughter was strangled to death March 1, 2001. Her body was not found for two weeks. Her assailant got life with eligibility for parole in 15 years. How can that be life? I am preparing a statement in hopes of testifying before the Judiciary Committee NOT to repeal the death penalty in MD. The state now has death by lethal injection which if one has to die is the most humane way to do so. I know as I used to administer anesthesia for 22years. It took my daughter almost 7 minutes to die and this scum gets the chance to go free in fifteen years. Pray for my family and for me. I just can't give this up. I am so happy to have found your site.

[Lynn Melville]

Yes, Kelli, I was writing about Christi Melcher. Such a sad thing for a mother -- pregnant also -- to be murdered, along with her young child -- by a man out of control of himself.

I checked out your beautiful tribute to Christi on your web site and recommend it to others. Go to www.MommysSiteAngels.zoomshare.com.

And congratulations to you on your plans to leave the abusive man you're with now. Write to let us know how you're doing. We care.

Lynn

[Kelli]

I believe I know the case in which you were refering, Christi Melcher and her 11 month old son Jaiden were killed be Christi's husband in April 2005. I personal knew Christi, had known her since she was 11 years old. She and my sister were friends till the end. It was a sad case, but one I have learned from, I am getting out ALIVE after 6 years of abuse at the hands of my husband, I'm not free of the threats of death because I'm filing for divorce though. I have met a wonderful man who treats me with respect and love, Two things I has been missing in my life. I can't wait to say I'm divorced from my Estranged husband and I encourage any woman, or just anybody to read my webpage about Christi and pass her story on, If it can save one life then Christi didn't die in vain.

Remember: Domestic Violence is a pattern of coercive behavior used to maintain power and control by one person over another in an intimate relationship.

[paula]

HI, I need to learn to live without my BPD partner of 10 yrs. I know not to go back into it, but I am drawn like an addiction. No marriage, just 10 yrs. out of my life. Help!