Stop the Abuse

SUCCESSFUL TREATMENT FOR BORDERLINES

Dr. Marsha Linehan of the University of Washington in Seattle created a program that has been effective in treating Borderline Personality Disorder -- Dialectical Behavior Therapy.  However, it's not an easy program for Borderlines to grasp and takes years to show positive results.

This month's American Journal of Psychiatry announced a new alternative psychotherapy treatment for Borderlines called mentalization based therapy (MBT).  This new Borderline treatment focuses on helping an individual separate out what thoughts and feelings are theirs, and what thoughts and feelings are others'.

Now there's a concept.  I used to tell my Borderline partner that he had screens over his ears.  I would say one thing and he would react as if I had said something else -- and he'd be angry at what he thought I'd said.  It was a no-win, crazy-making situation.

And trying to tell a Borderline that their perceptions aren't correct is like trying to tell a blind person that a lamp is on in the room.  The Borderline simply can't see it.  You said what you said -- or did what you did -- and the Borderline knows why you did it -- and you deserve the rage, you spawn of the devil.

The good news for Borderlines is that this MBT program actually is fairly successful, in much less time than DBT. 

The Borderline program is 18 months of mentalization based therapy, followed by 18 months of maintenance mentalizing group therapy, for a total of three years worth of treatment. 

Compared to how long it takes for DBT to take hold, this is good news.

Now if we can only convince our Borderlines that they need it . . . .

What do you think about this new treatment?  Think it would work?  Take a moment to comment below. 

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE & BORDERLINE BEHAVIOR COMPARED

Statistically, it's estimated that 30 to 60 percent of domestic violence abusers are suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder .  So why doesn't the domestic violence industry (administrators, organizations, shelters, counselors, legislators) tell DV victims about that?

I believe that if DV victims were informed and educated about the feelings driving the behavior of DV abusers, they could many times actually prevent the abuse from coming their way.  The new information, of course, wouldn't heal or restore the abuser to health -- but it would at least buy some time for the victims to safely plan their exit.

The absolute core feeling -- and desperate fear -- of a BPD is that of being abandoned.  Therefore, they seem jealous -- controlling -- hypersensitive.  Of course they blame us for their feelings and problems -- because if we didn't do what we do (get home late from work, spend time with a friend whose mother is dying, stay up late studying because we're trying to advance our career) -- they wouldn't feel abandoned !  Can you see the logic here?

I believe the rest of the DV abuser's behavior -- verbal abuse, rigid gender expectations and roles, dramatic personality swings, threats of violence, using force during an argument, etc. -- can be traced back to the desperation of a man (or woman) acting out the fear and rage of the abandoned child grown up.  He fears the childhood terrors of being abandoned again -- and by gosh, he's going to prevent it this time.  Now he's a grown-up and "nobody's going to do that to me again".

Below are the "Indicators of a Battering Personality", courtesy of Domestic Violence Solutions of Santa Barbara County, California.  Below also are the behaviors of a person suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder, as described in the mental health profession's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual IV. 

You decide for yourself whether the behaviors aren't much the same.  You might also check out the over 80 Red Flag behaviors listed on my Boomerang Love web site that indicate the possibility of a Borderline disorder.

INDICATORS OF A BATTERING PERSONALITY

* Controlling behavior

* Jealousy

* Unrealistic expectations

* Hypersensitivity

* Quick involvement in the relationship

* Attempts to isolate you

* Tendency to blame others for problems or feelings

* Cruelty to animals or children

* Verbal abuse

* Rigid gender expectations and roles

* Dramatic personality swings

* Threats of violence

* Throwing, striking, or breaking objects

* Using force during an argument

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER -- DSM-IV

* Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.

* A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation

* Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self

* Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating).

* Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior

* Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)

* Chronic feelings of emptiness

* Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)

* Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe disassociative symptoms

Do you recognize any of these behaviors in your intimate partner, family member, friend or co-worker?  Be a part of the conversation about this issue.  Comment below to let us know your thoughts.

PROTECTION FROM ABUSE: Lifeline Calls the Cops

I'm again horrified to read of two murder-suicides this last week -- two domestic violence abusers, one killing his fiance and the other murdering his girlfriend, before killing themselves.  Kathy Acompanado was stabbed to death in Milwaukee, WI, and Tina Freeman died in Shelby, NC.  Tina's body and that of her boyfriend were found on a back road.  Cause of death has not yet been determined,

Both couples had previous incidents reported to law enforcement of domestic abuse.  As we all know, restraining orders are just a simple piece of paper.  Try to protect yourself from a bullet -- or a knife -- or hands around your neck -- with a piece of paper !

I won't go into why in the world these women didn't leave these abusive men earlier.  We all know why -- they thought if they just loved their abuser enough, they could compensate for the terrible childhoods these men had experienced -- and the abuse would miraculously disappear. 

I wrote about this in my book, Breaking Free from Boomerang Love (http://www.boomeranglove.com/asp/redflags-20.asp).

Today I want to talk about protection from the abuser. 

I've recently learned that there's a national company ( Phillips Lifeline -- 1-800-543-3546) that specializes in home alert systems.  The systems are used primarily by people in frail health and who live alone, to call for medical help.

But what about calling for law enforcement help?  It can be used for that also.  I'm informed that many people in remote areas use it. 

The equipment is basically a dialer that's installed on your phone.  When you push the button (around your neck or in your pocket), the 24-hour trained professionals come on your speaker phone and ask what you need. 

You only need to say, "Call the cops!" and they'll be on their way.

I have spoken with this company and they've sent me coupons to save up to $80.00 with free activation of the system. 

Contact me through the 'email me' link at the upper left of this blog, and I'll send you one.

What are your thoughts on this?  Do you think it would help you?  Or was there a time in the past when this would have helped you?  Or someone else?  Share your comments on the link below so others can learn to protect themsevles.