Stop the Abuse

100 WAYS TO LEAVE AN ABUSER (SAFELY)

After we've come out of our denial that we're being abused ("It's really not so bad.") -- when we're ready to walk away from family pressure ("You must keep the family together.") -- when religious beliefs no longer hold us hostage ("Marriage is a sacred vow.") -- when we overcome shame ("I don't want anyone to know.") . . . .

When we know that our very sanity and maybe our lives are being destroyed by living with an abuser . . . .

We make the decision -- we must leave.

But how do we get out safely?  I've just published a tips booklet, courtesy of the National Center for Victims of Crime, titled 100 Ways to Leave an Abuser (Safely).  You can check it out on my web site -- www.boomeranglove.com -- click on Tips Booklets.

There are many things to remember to take with you, people to contact, back-up plans to make, careful strategies to lay in place.  This little booklet has tips on how to plan your get-away, how to execute it and how to make your new home safe.

Remember that the first two weeks after we announce we're leaving -- or after we leave -- are the most highly emotional for the abuser.  Abuser behaviors are very similar to those of people suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder (see entry on this blog re Domestic Violence & Borderline Behavior Compared).

So our leaving must be carefully planned.  My new tips booklet will help you move through this process with a sense of confidence.

Are you in the process, or do you wish to leave an abuser?  Share your thoughts and experiences with us so we can all be better prepared.

100 WAYS TO SPOT AN ABUSER

People who abuse us don't usually show that behavior in the beginning of our relationship with them.  They're on their good behavior when we first meet them -- and on through the infatuation phase. 

It's when things begin to settle down (three to six months later), when our relationship is supposed to deepen into the cuddling/snuggling/trust phase, that the odd behavior begins to come out.

Over the course of his 30-year career, Dr. Kent Griffiths, a mental health therapist in Holladay, Utah, has compiled a list of 100 behaviors that describe what he calls a character disorder or personality disorder.

Dr. Griffiths believes that character disordered people show themselves as different from everyone else by their baseline behavior -- meaning they return to their deviant behavior over time (usually in 3 to 6 months).

Dr. Griffiths has allowed me to publish his list of abusive behaviors as a tips booklet titled 100 Ways to Spot an Abuser.  If interested, you can check out my web site -- www.boomeranglove.com -- and click on Tips Booklets for some sample behaviors.

Some examples:

     1.  Low stress tolerance with explosive behavior

     2.  Moody, switching from nice guy/gal to anger without much provocation

     3.  Uses threats and intimidation to keep others chained to them

     4.  Refuses to take resonsibility for their behavior.

Sound familiar?  Care to share some of the abusive behavior you've observed in your partner or others?  Use the comment form below to let us know what you've experienced.