100 WAYS TO SPOT AN ABUSER

People who abuse us don't usually show that behavior in the beginning of our relationship with them.  They're on their good behavior when we first meet them -- and on through the infatuation phase. 

It's when things begin to settle down (three to six months later), when our relationship is supposed to deepen into the cuddling/snuggling/trust phase, that the odd behavior begins to come out.

Over the course of his 30-year career, Dr. Kent Griffiths, a mental health therapist in Holladay, Utah, has compiled a list of 100 behaviors that describe what he calls a character disorder or personality disorder.

Dr. Griffiths believes that character disordered people show themselves as different from everyone else by their baseline behavior -- meaning they return to their deviant behavior over time (usually in 3 to 6 months).

Dr. Griffiths has allowed me to publish his list of abusive behaviors as a tips booklet titled 100 Ways to Spot an Abuser.  If interested, you can check out my web site -- www.boomeranglove.com -- and click on Tips Booklets for some sample behaviors.

Some examples:

     1.  Low stress tolerance with explosive behavior

     2.  Moody, switching from nice guy/gal to anger without much provocation

     3.  Uses threats and intimidation to keep others chained to them

     4.  Refuses to take resonsibility for their behavior.

Sound familiar?  Care to share some of the abusive behavior you've observed in your partner or others?  Use the comment form below to let us know what you've experienced.

Comments

[Lynn Melville]

Hello, Cher --

You say he's "incapable of remorse and has no memory of the evil he has done."

My experience is that they 'do' have the memory, they just choose to pretend it didn't happen. And when we allow them to do that, they get away with it.

One of my favorite sayings is, "The more crap you put up with, the more you'll get." And I don't say that in any way at all to be judgmental -- I've done the same thing. Learning how to stand up for myself has been a hard lesson for me.

And of course he blames you and others for his actions. That's how he excuses himself 'to' himself. And again, if everyone around him accepts it, then he gets away with it.

And why do you still feel responsible for his care? I don't know about you, but for me, I learned to be overly responsible in my childhood home, due to my alcoholic Borderline mother.

I learned to put myself aside and just take care of others -- which has gotten me into a lot of pain in my adult life. : )

Keep taking baby steps in taking care of 'yourself', despite how much your partner objects. You deserve it.

Lynn

[cher]

incapable of remorse, and no memory of the evil he has done. He doesnt even try to change.But I think the worse thing has been the abandonment. For instance,he can leave without a reason and dissapear for months with no regard for his family? And then come back and act like there is absolutely nothing wrong with him, and blame others for his evil doings. Yet I still feel responsible for his care?