100 WAYS TO SPOT AN ABUSER

People who abuse us don't usually show that behavior in the beginning of our relationship with them.  They're on their good behavior when we first meet them -- and on through the infatuation phase. 

It's when things begin to settle down (three to six months later), when our relationship is supposed to deepen into the cuddling/snuggling/trust phase, that the odd behavior begins to come out.

Over the course of his 30-year career, Dr. Kent Griffiths, a mental health therapist in Holladay, Utah, has compiled a list of 100 behaviors that describe what he calls a character disorder or personality disorder.

Dr. Griffiths believes that character disordered people show themselves as different from everyone else by their baseline behavior -- meaning they return to their deviant behavior over time (usually in 3 to 6 months).

Dr. Griffiths has allowed me to publish his list of abusive behaviors as a tips booklet titled 100 Ways to Spot an Abuser.  If interested, you can check out my web site -- www.boomeranglove.com -- and click on Tips Booklets for some sample behaviors.

Some examples:

     1.  Low stress tolerance with explosive behavior

     2.  Moody, switching from nice guy/gal to anger without much provocation

     3.  Uses threats and intimidation to keep others chained to them

     4.  Refuses to take resonsibility for their behavior.

Sound familiar?  Care to share some of the abusive behavior you've observed in your partner or others?  Use the comment form below to let us know what you've experienced.

Comments

[Lynn Melville]

Hello, Christina --

Your story is horrendous. Do you not have any family to help you -- or friends?

I would suggest that you call your local domestic violence organization. They have people on staff to help women in situations like yours.

Your statement that your abusive husband goes back and forth, from abuse to being loving, is classic Borderline Personality Disorder behavior.

Small things can trigger enormous emotions with a Borderline, which they don't seem to have control over. Later they feel guilty and try to make up for it.

Yet the emotionally or physically abusive behavior comes back again and again, every time their emotions get triggered.

It's a cycle you'll never get out of, until your abuser begins to get in touch with the feelings that are overwhelming him and begins to be able to control them.

Please reach out for help. There are people who will help you. You just have to call.

[christina]

my husband mentally, verbally and sometimes phycaly abuses me and my son..hes always saying he sorry after the fact and he is constantly say it was my fault..when hes not acting in these manners he a very loving person who cuddles and embraces me and shows love. when i throw him out he tells me hes coming back with friends to take everything in the house and our son. he has left me homeless carless and stole my son and there was nothing i could do. i had to get back with him to get my son back. im carring his second child also and he has trown me to the floor slamed me upagainst the walls. i was put on bed rest to say my unborn baby from being born to early and he supported the doctors decion for the first 2 days. now i had to throw him out again do to neglect of our 15month son. i cant exactly go file for divorce do to bedrest again and im very scared that i will take him back if he comes around..at this point in my life i feel very weak and i need someone to help but who can i really turn to??? everything in life cost money and with an income of less than 600 a month i cant do anything how do i get out of this horror im living in

[jamie]

Like my husband, he would drink when a lot of the abuse happened and heavily at that. So, when I would tell him the things that happened to me, he would say that he "doesnt remember".

[Lynn Melville]

Hello, Cher --

You say he's "incapable of remorse and has no memory of the evil he has done."

My experience is that they 'do' have the memory, they just choose to pretend it didn't happen. And when we allow them to do that, they get away with it.

One of my favorite sayings is, "The more crap you put up with, the more you'll get." And I don't say that in any way at all to be judgmental -- I've done the same thing. Learning how to stand up for myself has been a hard lesson for me.

And of course he blames you and others for his actions. That's how he excuses himself 'to' himself. And again, if everyone around him accepts it, then he gets away with it.

And why do you still feel responsible for his care? I don't know about you, but for me, I learned to be overly responsible in my childhood home, due to my alcoholic Borderline mother.

I learned to put myself aside and just take care of others -- which has gotten me into a lot of pain in my adult life. : )

Keep taking baby steps in taking care of 'yourself', despite how much your partner objects. You deserve it.

Lynn

[cher]

incapable of remorse, and no memory of the evil he has done. He doesnt even try to change.But I think the worse thing has been the abandonment. For instance,he can leave without a reason and dissapear for months with no regard for his family? And then come back and act like there is absolutely nothing wrong with him, and blame others for his evil doings. Yet I still feel responsible for his care?