RIHANNA AND CHRIS BROWN BATTERING

We've all read the story now -- the rented Lamborghini, the text message from Chris Brown's manager (supposedly asking to meet up with him later in the evening), Rihanna's anger and Brown's physically hitting and biting her, ultimately strangling her to the point of almost unconsciousness, and photos of Rihanna's beaten and bruised face leaked to the press, her black eye prominently shown.

And what about that Chris Brown mug shot, his later apology and possible felony criminal charges and jail?

Donald Trump told Rihanna that she'd "better get the hell out . . . ."   'Project Runway' winner Christian Siriano said, ". . . there has to be something that she did to provoke it." 

And Oprah said, "If he hit you once, he'll hit you again !!"

Wow.  The good part of all this is that the media hs been all over it, providing a good topic of discussion and learning lesson for everyone.

As I see it, the learning lesson is coming from what's happened between the two after the abusive event -- Rihanna almost immediately went back to Brown.

The most difficult aspect of domestic violence is the tendency of the victim to return to the abuser -- again and again.  We all wonder, "Why doesn't she/he leave?"

In my own experience with an emotionally abusive partner, I believed that if I just loved my partner enough, I could compensate for the damage done by his abusive childhood experiences.  I thought the hurtful behavior of my partner would melt away with my love.

I didn't know that my partner was suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder -- a thinking disorder that makes people misperceive the interactions they have with others, overreact and then act out all the rage they still have stored inside from their abusive childhoods. 

I didn't know that my love wasn't enough, that it would never cure a Borderline.

The core symptom of a Borderline is seen as frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment, with inappropriate, intense anger and difficulty controlling it.   They seem jealous and very angry about it -- yet inside are really afraid of being abandoned, as they were as children.

(See my previous post in the left column -- Domestic Violence and Borderline Behavior Compared.)

These are our abused, neglected, abandoned children grown up.  Chris Brown revealed in earlier interviews that he grew up in an abusive, violent home.  My guess is that Brown was afraid he'd lose Rihanna, as she was upset over his manager's message.

Anger management classes don't help people with the level of intense fear translated into the rage shown by Brown.  Rihanna's love won't cure Brown.  These people need mental health professional help.

My book -- Breaking Free from Boomerang Love (www.boomeranglove.com) seems to help abuse victims distinctly see how disturbed their partner is -- and the reality of their situation.  This seems to enable them to more clearly understand the danger they're living in and to begin planning how to safely leave. 

(See my two previous posts in the left column of this blog -- 100 Ways to Leave an Abuser (Safely) and Most Dangerous Time to Leave:  1st Two Weeks)

What do you think about what happened between Rihanna and Chris Brown?  Give us your comments below.  Will Brown go to jail?  What should Rihanna be doing? 

Comments

[Lynn Melville]

I agree that the behavior of both Rihanna and Chris Brown doesn't make sense. However, what draws us back in is that after they hurt us, they turn back into the good person we fell in love with. Very confusing.

[bpdex]

Judging by their behavior before, during, and after, I'd suspect they both have borderline personality disorder.

[Lynn Melville]

Interesting you should ask about studies. I've rarely seen anyone directly relate the two -- domestic violence abuser behavior with Borderline Personality Disorder behavior.

My first clue was reading a publication offered by the domestic violence organization in my county.

I was struck by the fact that if you took the behaviors of the DV abuser and that of the Borderline, laying one on top of the other, they were almost the same, with the exception of the self-destructive cutting and suicide attempts.

[Virginia]

I had never hear of Borderline Personality Disorder before. Are there any studies linking the two and the outcome of relationships where the abuser gets treatment for the disorder?